05 Dec WHERE AM I ?
It had been quite a night, it started early as I wanted everybody to come. People called in on their way home from work,
“Cheers Gray” they said as they toasted the fact that I was getting married and this was my stag night, “Can’t stay too long the wife’s got pork chops on for dinner” or some other excuse then they left.
I knew so many people from all walks of life that in order to see them all I had sent out a general invitation to everybody on the contacts page of my phone. ‘Kings Head from six o clock onwards’ it read ‘Graham’s Stag Night ‘til late’.
The night was buzzing as old mates, new mates, relatives and even people I had never met before came and joined in as we all sang along to a live band. Good ‘blokey’ type songs Bye Bye Miss American Pie, You’ll never walk alone, that kind of thing. Everybody was having a good time then the strip o gram girl came in. Wow what a cracker! dressed as a policewoman supposedly following up a complaint about the loud singing. She was quite convincing but I was sure it was a wind up. Putting my arm around her I said “Give us a kiss then darling”.
“Right Sir you’ve gone too far now, I going to arrest you for assaulting a police officer in the process of carrying out my duty” Whipping out her notebook she said “Anything you say will be taken down and may be used against you”
“Knickers” I said with a snigger to my mates then “Go on darling give us a kiss for starters”
“I have warned you sir now I have no option but to place you under arrest”
Before I knew what happened my hands were handcuffed behind my back.
Looking at the gathering of mates crowding around I said “She’s good, which one of you booked this one?”
One by one they all shook their heads and as I was marched out of the pub it very slowly dawned on me that I was nicked!
The back door of the car opened and I was pushed headfirst into it. I began to be a bit worried, if this was a joke it was a good one but it had gone far enough for me. But if it wasn’t a joke I was in deep trouble. I decided to say nothing.
“OK June?” said a voice from the front seat “What’s the charge for this one?”
“Common assault for a start?” She said “then whatever else he wants to own up to in order to get him off the hook”
The car took off and I fell noisily off the back seat onto the floor. Unable to see where we were going I just lay there. The car stopped, it was very dark. The back door opened and I was dragged out. The ‘policewoman’ was now in charge. “Right search him”
They went through my pockets, finding my wallet which was full of cash ready to pay for the stag night, a selection of credit cards were inspected
“Time to visit the ATM I think.” she said.
I decided that resistance was futile – hand cuffed as I was and I supplied the information that they required to systematically max out card after card, pocketing the cash.
“God help the poor cow that’s marrying you, you’re a bit gullible aren’t you” laughed the girl as she got into the car. “Byeee.”
With that they were gone leaving me still hand cuffed and feeling very stupid.
What to do now, I got to my feet, and started to walk towards the main road in the distance. It was quite busy and I stopped the first person that I met.
“Help me please, I’ve been mugged! Where am I?”
At which point I fell to the floor and pretended to be drunker than I actually was.
“O.K. mate the police are on their way” I heard a voice say, “are you hurt?”
I said nothing after what seemed ages a police car turned up and two burly coppers helped me to my feet. After explaining that I really didn’t know what had happened, they took me to the police station for an interview. Still pretending to be drunk, I gave a statement that sort of made sense and explained the situation without making me look a complete idiot.
“Right Sir, we’ll organise a lift home for you.” said the desk sergeant. Just then, the door opened behind me and somebody came in he looked up.
“Can you give this chap a lift home June!!”